By Pat Daddy
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April 29, 2024
When it comes to one line wisdom sayings I have my list. Such as: Never argue with an idiot, people cant tell the difference. I later learned that saying was a short version of Mark Twains quote: "Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." My Dad used to say, never sleep with a woman who is crazier than you. But the one that really stuck with me and has had numerous applications in my life is from the rock band 39 Special. Hold on loosely, but don't let go. When I was Scoutmaster of Troop 260 our Spring fund raising was done by aerating lawns. For two weekends in April we'd run aerators on lawns all over town. It was exhausting work but very profitable for the Troop. I was always amazed by the other dads who I knew were stronger and younger than me, that were exhausted after only a couple of lawns. As I watched them it was because they tried to muscle the machine, rather than guide the machine. If you're not familiar with an aerator it's a heavy machine that has a drum on it with 4 inch hollow spikes that your run across a lawn and pull out plugs of grass and soil to allow water and nutrients through the layer of thatch and roots that are in all lawns. As it runs the spikes go into the ground and they obviously grip and they can pull you along. I would say to them, when you aerate you have to think about 38 Special. They'd look at me funny and I'd continue, you have to: hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control. Working with the aerator you can guide it while it goes across a lawn and it's very easy. You need to consider where you want to end up before you start and if you guide the machine it will go, but try to muscle it and it will win every time. So both my boys know this song as the "aeration song." The song is actually about managing a relationship and again it's wisdom is timeless. You can use this with your spouse your kids, your relatives, your friends, your direct reports at work, heck it even works with your dog! But the message is you can't control many things, especially other people. You can influence them, just not control them, even if you sign their paycheck. When it comes to being married it's a great lesson again. However you can also mis-use the words. As far as holding on loosely, sometimes in a marriage the only thing you have to hold onto is each other. Especially when going through life's trials. If the two of you aren't turning inward for support first, well you might ask yourself why. But like all things there are times you have to hold on loosely so the other person can get information from other sources. So you may just have to let them get the advice while you are still available to them. Often the words of a true friend can be heard and accepted while being a bit more honest. Kind of like when you wear something that may not look the best on you, your friend may be able to be more honest or direct than your spouse without hurting your feelings. As I write this MLW and I are coming up on 36 years of marriage. If asked how we've stayed married that long, I'll often say a few things. First don't sweat the small stuff. Forget the arguments, forget the comments that were intended to be funny but weren't. If something hurts your feelings, before you let it fester, find a time to say, when you said ... it made me feel.... Talk it through and then forget it. In other words don't look for fight. Find friends with strong marriages and spend time with them and learn from them. The inverse is true too. If you find yourself doing things with a couple who is toxic, stop doing things with them. MLW and I tend to make jokes out of some of our biggest fights. It's a great way for us laugh about silly things we fought about that were so intense at the time but were really pretty silly. Here's an example: About 20 years ago we were driving through Missouri coming back from a family reunion. We were driving the truck and pulling the camper and MLW was at the wheel. I looked up and saw that traffic had stopped for someone in our lane turning left. I try not to be a backseat driver but I saw the upcoming hazard and just said "brake" MLW who did not see the hazard, looked at me and said what? I said with more urgency in my voice, "Brake", but MLW was still not getting the message, so I yelled and pointed for her to see the now quickly approaching accident "BRAKE!" She slammed on the brakes the trailer swerved we left a few skid marks and we did not have an accident. However with all the adrenaline in our bodies, and argument quick ensued: Why didn't you hit the brake?! I thought you were saying "Blake!" Why the hell would I say Blake!?!?! I don't know that's what I was trying to figure out! It continued with a few terse words, then driving in silence for 20 minutes, then as she does, MLW said at some point "traffics slowing down I suppose I should Blake". Now some twenty years later if either of us see an approaching hazard, we'll likely say, you might be ready to Blake... We both smile and whomever is driving slows down. Why does this work in our marriage? We both owned a stupid argument. Then we turned it into something that is ours. It's our experience, it's become our language. It means little to anyone else, but to us, it's basically saying "I love you" and the same time warning the other they might need to slow down. That's holding on loosely, but you are letting go of the anger, but not of our love for each other. Because if we had clung too tightly to the emotions of that silly argument, we would have lost control. So whether you think of aerating, dating, relationships, or just trying to eat a big messy sub sandwich, when you hear that song playing on the radio. I urge you to listen to those wise words and incorporate that thinking into your life. Because many times in life, if you'll just loosen your grip a bit, you'll find you'll enjoy most any experience much more.